I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
