i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
