We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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