I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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