Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
