Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
