She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
