i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
