I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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