I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
