if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
