I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
