I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
