you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
