She is in my trunk
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Randomize
