my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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