the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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