I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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