my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
