how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
