Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
