sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
