Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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