I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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