How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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