Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
