After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
