Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
