I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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