The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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