Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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