On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
soo... how was my night?
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