If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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