My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
