M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
My liver just had a heart attack.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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