Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
