Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
