saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Where is the hickey?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
