I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize