you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
