my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
