i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
We got so high we made milksteak
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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