And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
