What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
