Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
