i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
