The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
