So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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