Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
