WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Randomize