It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
3pm strippers are depressing
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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