the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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