I met the friendliest cop last night
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
