Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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