im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I touched a dick in church today
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
