I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
