so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
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